The Nam

I went to Viet Nam because my country sent me there. I did the job I was sent there to do. I have to say, I have or still do experience disorders. I saw many of my friends killed in "The Nam". Every time I went on a combat mission with a different platoon, I would make new friends with guys I hadn't seen before. And let me tell you straight up...When you see a friend get shot up, blown up and killed day and night, it does something to your mind. It's like a permanent photo in your head. You never forget the tears, the blood and the horror of seeing your buddy dying right in front of you. And there's nothing you can do about it. Those scenes will live with me forever. I guess that's why it's taken me nearly 37 years to even be able to talk about Viet Nam.
I've never told this to anyone until now. I have an emotional disorder that I cannot control no matter how hard I try. I have nightmares about the war in Viet Nam. I'm always being chased by the VC (Viet Cong).I wake up sometimes sweating and screaming. I have woke up before sitting on a big rock in the middle of the woods waiting for the VC to show up so I could fight and kill them! That was why my 3rd wife divorced me. Bless her heart, she just couldn't take it anymore which I completely understand. My first two wives felt the same way. Hell, I woke up once sitting in our bay window with a rifle in my hands. I go through stages of severe depression. I cry when I see terrible war scenes from Nam or any war. Needles to say, I don't watch them anymore. Hell, I cry sometimes when I see any kind of sad scenes on TV. I've even cried over happy TV or movie scenes.That is messed up, but I just can't help it.
You know, I hate the fourth of July because the fireworks make me jump for cover. It's so sad that all those brave soldiers, young, old, black and white, were killed and wounded in Viet Nam. For what? Nothing. Absolutely nothing. I know that I was exposed to agent orange, but not as bad as some of my buddies. I'm aware that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) because of my experience in "The Nam". I also know that the very same government who sent me over there does not care one bit about me. It's been 37 years and I have never received a dime from the government. I called their stress hotline one time and told the guy that I was going to kill myself. The bastard actually hung up on me. That is a true story, I swear. Ask my 4th wife.
I've always tried to live a normal life in spite of the stress and depression I was going through. I don't talk about what is wrong with me because most people either don't believe me or they just don't care. I may look healthy, but I'm a sick man. Don't get me wrong, I'm not asking for sympathy. A little understanding is all I want or need. It's taken a lot of hard work on my part and a strong faith in God and myself, but I know I will make it. What helps me the most is my kids and grandkids and my 5th (and final) wife, little Deb. Thank God she loves me and understands what I'm going through.